Growing up my grandmother was always there. She supported my every goal and celebrated my every achievement. When my parents divorced she helped in making the transition easier, and although I was a child she spoke to me always in a manner in which I felt respected and heard. She took me on many trips and holidays and made me feel special and extraordinarily loved.
When my grandma was told she had terminal cancer at the age of 71 her strength echoed through our family. She was a small lady in size but had a true warrior spirit.
The time after she was diagnosed was a time of upheaval and seemed a blur to me. Time went fast yet also seemed to stand still.
When she finally passed after a gruelling ordeal the first feelings I felt went relief for I knew she was no longer in pain.
One evening I decided to watch the TV before bed. A programme came on which dealt with the topic of cancer. Up until this point I had only felt a strong feeling of acceptance, but this particular evening all I felt was anger and fear. It was this evening that I had my most intense conversation with my angels’.
I began by telling them how sad I felt she was no longer here. I also asked them “why her?” my grandma had so much life in her, she is a hard woman to describe in only words. I can only explain it by saying I felt as though a light went out in the world the day she left it. She was my friend as well as grandmother and she loved her family deeply. She was very open about talking about her death, and she did not appear to be too afraid. But she did want to fight the illness; she did feel as though she had more to give.
But this particular night none of that mattered in my mind. I was not angry that she had died, because to me I knew I could communicate with her whenever I wanted love never truly leaves. I was angry because I was questioning what was the point of it all? What was the point in living? Now that was not to say I didn’t want to live, I did, and do. But on this particular evening I couldn’t understand any of it, the whole point of existence. That night I questioned my faith. I had never done this before, as I sat and cried I felt as though my angels’ were holding me.
Even though I knew I could feel my angels’ around me, supporting me, I still questioned my faith. As I sat on the floor distraught, I wondered what if all of this was in my mind? What if my spirituality was a coping mechanism? Then I pondered if my spirituality was something I had created within my mind, then why was the path sometimes difficult? I cried for a long while that evening. I tried to figure why would I choose to lead the life I was living? After my grandmother’s death I had became anxious to go out, to enjoy time with friends, I couldn’t understand why it was a question I knew I could not answer. My tears were formed from frustration as well as anger and fear.
I began to explain to my angels’ about what it feels like to live your life on pure faith. I told them that I was finding it difficult to understand. I told them that we as humans have no definitive proof that life goes on, but that we trust there is. I told them I trusted our communication was real but that at this particular point in my life I needed a sign. I then went to bed tired, with sore red eyes from my tears, still feeling upset. I then got out of bed; something guided me to use my angel cards. I had a set of Doreen Virtue Archangel cards and decided to use them to communicate with my angels again. I pulled three cards; my angels’ told me that this was enough. I knew the message I was about to receive would be extra special and important.
The first card I turned over was “Angel therapy” my angels’ were asking me to hand over my fears and burdens so that they could help me to release them. The second card I turned over was “overcoming difficulty” this card made it clear to me that the angels’ knew I had overcame difficultly in recent times, but it was a card of reassurance that the worst was over. The third card I pulled was very powerful indeed “moon cycles”. In my years of having this deck I had never drawn this card, but on this particular evening I had. I had recently been paying more attention to the moon cycles but as I read the message on the card it suggested that the evening before a full moon was especially powerful for healing. I laughed so hard, my angels’ were right beside me, for that very evening was the evening before the full moon.
I spoke to my angels’ again this time full of love and gratitude for my messages. I began to tell them every burden I had, every worry and concern that I wanted to release. I asked them why I felt anxious about going out as this was not something I had ever experienced before. I had never in my life felt anxious about leaving the house before so why now. They gave me the answer directly through thought.
They told me “You feel anxious about leaving the house because you are scared. You are scared about losing your mum and you subconsciously want to spend more time with her. You feel guilty about not spending more time with your grandma before her death because you hated to see her pain and you are forcing yourself to not make the same decisions” they then told me “these fears are damaging, release your guilt you know you spent so much time with your grandmother, there is no need for guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty for”
My angels then went on to say “Your mother loves you and you her. This has been a time of healing for you both. You will spend even more time with her in the coming months. But you will begin to enjoy a life of your own again. Know that you need not feel guilty for this. You and your mother have a special bond, but you are each on your own separate spiritual path, learn to support each other, but live as separate beings too” I realised that I was extremely lucky to have felt this love from my grandmother in the first instance.
I thanked my angels’ again and slept all night for the first time in a long time. The next morning I awoke feeling refreshed and healed, I spent that day with my mother talking and walking in nature and recharging my crystals along with myself. We took pictures of things we found beautiful, the sun was shining brightly. My mother and I sat for a while in a field and soaked in the sun, I did not need to use words to tell her how much I loved her, and how much I loved life. And as a white butterfly followed us that day I knew my angels’ too were full of joy that I had discovered the point of existence.
“The wonder of existence is to just be. To be present in the wonder that lives within this earth, not to question it, but enjoy it.”
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